Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
