For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
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