cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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