she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
