she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
