When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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