I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just invented taco cereal.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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