if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
