I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
