those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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