So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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