i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
