Too much gin, very little bucket
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
