I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
