I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Please don't give away my fajitas
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