$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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