Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
