The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
