2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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