guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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