I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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