nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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