Pregnant stripper...not hot.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
