How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
