I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
