You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Randomize
