somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
