I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
