everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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