Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
My cat gives me a boner
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
