I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
