If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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