he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
