I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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