A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
