I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
