wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
