Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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