paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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