ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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