it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
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How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
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Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancĂ© called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?