How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Randomize
