I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
