Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
