You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis