Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza