God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
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She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
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Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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