420 ftw
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
