Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i wish my penis had a tongue
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
