Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
