Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
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