Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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