Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You've changed since you got that strap on
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
