I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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