When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
