I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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