dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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