Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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